


am i the only one (pushing love away)

by daysinthespringsun



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, IRL Fic, Self-Harm, ayeee there’s comfort now enjoy!, if any creator mentioned wishes me to take this down i will, kinda beta-ed by andy love you :), phil technoblade are only mentioned right now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 10:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27849346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysinthespringsun/pseuds/daysinthespringsun
Summary: “While asleep Tommy didn’t see the clips and photos spreading like a virus across twitter. Messages of concern, hate, love, came in from his fans and trolls online. One of the best streams he had had in a while had just turned into the worst and Tommy wasn’t even awake to realise it.”orDuring a stream Tommy accidentally shows something he’d rather keep to himself.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 30
Kudos: 828
Collections: Completed stories I've read





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from when by dodie

Blue light reflects off Tommy's stream onto his face as his eyes dance around following the chat as the viewers start to arrive. He had a feeling it was going to be a good stream, which was definitely a foreign feeling later. Tommy felt as if he had a switch in him like he had two completely different personalities. One which everyone saw - the happy, loud, sometimes dumb, teenage boy who had a following bigger than he could ever imagine. The other, which no one saw, the one he keeps to himself, all his depressed and harmful thoughts, the one that came out immediately when he was alone. It wasn't as if he wanted to flick with the switch it just happened automatically but luckily today he didn't have to fake a face as it had actually been a good day today.

His hand reached across his body and slightly tugged at his sleeve and then reached up to adjust his headset. “‘Sup, chat!” Tommy’s voice echoed off the walls of his bedroom, “How we doing?” Answers flooded the chat. Tommy’s mouth lifted into a smile, this was going to be a good stream.

Tommy really did love streaming and to be able to make a living off it at his age was something he would be forever grateful for. When he was having good days like today streaming was most definitely the light in his dark tunnel of a mind, a distraction, glimmer of hope. It had become more and more difficult to stream nowadays. Words from Twitter would echo in his mind, words from people who hated him for whatever reasons and only saw him that annoying kid. 

His mouse moves to join the smp while he unmutes himself. Wilbur, Tubbo, Techno, and Phil’s voices make Tommy’s smile widen. The stream consisted of a lot of mucking around and laughter. His sleeves ride up his arms as he yelled and laughed. The weight on his chest had temporarily lifted. Not realising the skin showing.

His parents smiled from downstairs as their boy’s laughed echoed down the stairs and into the living room. It had been a while since that laughter was heard. That laugh could make someone smile even on their worst of days. His parents were proud of their son and were grateful for this boy which had lightened the days of thousands.

Two hours had passed and his parents had headed off to bed. Tommy’s smile had started to falter and the thoughts, those bad thoughts, had started to creep in. Nothing bad, just the nagging in the back of his head. With heavy eyelids Tommy decided it would be a good time to wind down and he shouted his goodbyes, wishing chat a good rest of their day or night. It didn’t take Tommy to settle into bed and be consumed by sleep.

While asleep Tommy didn’t see the clips and photos spreading like a virus across Twitter. Messages of concern, hate, love, came in from his fans and trolls online. One of the best streams he had had in a while had just turned into the worst and Tommy wasn’t even awake to realise it. The clips and photos had shown Tommy just having fun and making around with his hands flailing in the air. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if that was all the recordings had shown, maybe they would have shown up as someone's profile picture or on some funny tweet. That wasn't the case though. Without thinking about it the flailing of his hands had caused his shirt to lift at the sleeves. Tommy had accidentally shown his arms red with cuts.

Dream was the first to see the tweets. He had been casually swiping through random fan accounts when he noticed a pattern. “ _i hope tommy is okay and knows we all love him_ ” “ _can we agree to not bring this up on his streams_ ” “ _guys please stop spreading those photos of tommy_.” Dream’s heart rate increased, what the fuck had Tommy done. Finding the photos wasn’t a hard task, they were all over Tommy’s indirects. With concerned eyes, Dream looked at the pictures. He then messaged Wilbur asking him if Tommy was okay and sent Tommy a little message.

_Hey, Tommy. Don’t know if you’re awake, but you’ll probably have seen what’s going on when you read this. Tommy, please know that we all care for you and are always here if you need to talk._

Wilbur had been strumming on his guitar lost in thought when he got the message from Dream. “Hey, do you know if Tommy is okay?” Wilbur, confused, responded asking what he was talking about. When he got the reply back and had learnt what was happening on Twitter he didn’t know how to react. Who the fuck shares those kinds of photos of someone. Anger thumbs it the screen as he typed out a tweet.

_people need to learn to mind they’re fucking business and not share stuff of people at there worst_

Messages slowly started to trickle in from his friends hoping he was okay. His phone sat on his desk still silent why Tommy lay there in his world of dreams completely unaware of the world that he would awake to tomorrow.

The birds chirped softly muffled by the brick walls of Tommy’s house. Tommy’s eyes stretched open. He lugged himself up. His feet touched the soft floor and he tiptoed to his desk where his phone was placed. Eyes squinted as the bright light appeared on his phone. Notifications upon notifications were all he could see. “What the fuck” he whispered. What had happened? His heart rate increased and his thoughts scattered like helium balloons trying to figure out what he’d done. His figure hovered over Twitter. Deep breath in, deep breath out. He clicked it. The first tweet he saw was from Wilbur. His breath quickened. His thoughts were screaming what did they all find out. He typed his name into the search bar and there it was. A photo of him. He had a giant smile and his arms were spread wide. On his arms though were cuts. Cuts that were carefully calculated in an attempt to keep them hidden. God, how could he have been so fucking stupid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading hope you enjoyed it! this is my first time posting here so yay!
> 
> [Here's my tumblr !! come have a chat](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/daysinthespringsun)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy deals with the messages of concern

The shock still hadn’t subsided. He was glad his parents weren’t at home. How would he explain this if they were? Strands of his hair were being pulled by his clenched fist on his head. He was being pulled into a dark abyss, chains weighed down each one of his limbs, water was filled into his lungs, how do you breathe? The only sound was his heartbeat. It was deafening. _Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub._ With shaking hands he reached for his mouse and clicked on discord. What would his friends think _? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Tubbo would be so sad, Phil would be so disappointed, Wilbur would hate him. 

In the top left of the screen, he had many messages waiting to be read. He clicked on the wumpus and scrolled down. The earliest message was from Dream. His mouse hovered over Dream’s icon. He could do this. He could handle getting yelled at for hurting himself by a man who he looked up to… he couldn't do this. Tears wheeled in the corners of his eyes. His breathing was only getting worse. His thoughts were so loud. WHY WERE THEY SO LOUD!

_You’re such a fucking pussy._

_They all fucking hate you why would they even care if you hurt yourself._

“Stop it,” Tommy mumbled.

_You are alone._

“Stop it,” he mumbled again as he rocked back and forth trying to calm himself.

_You ARE alone._

Loud sobs erupted from the boy's body.

_You should hurt yourself, you fucking deserve it._

_You deserve it._

_YOU DESERVE IT._

“No, no, no, no, no.” His hands were now hitting his head in an attempt to get the thoughts to leave. He shouldn’t be like this. This wasn’t him. Tears created rivers down his cheeks. Their streams were never-ending. He was meant to be happy. He was meant to be energetic. Why couldn’t he be happy? 

A frustrated scream left his throat and a pencil which was once placed on his desk flew across the room. A familiar ringtone of a discord call sounded from his computer. Wilbur was calling him. He didn't think his chest could get any tighter but as his heart clenched he realised he was wrong. The ringing went on. Tommy couldn’t answer. He couldn’t. There was no way in hell he was going to go into a call with the man who was his idol, who he owed his success to, who he thought of as a bother. He couldn’t let them see him like this. He let the ringing finish, leaving it unanswered. Tommy tries to calm himself, breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. He was okay. He will be okay. This will all just blow over… hopefully. Tommy felt helpless, he didn't know what to do. His eyes just focused on the clock above his desk and watched it tick. 

_Ding!_

Tommy’s phone lit up. A message from Wil on the front screen. 

_I know your online Tommy. I can see your status on discord. Please answer me. Tommy, please._

With a click of a button, the phone is off and the message is left unanswered. He went onto discord and turned his status invisible. Ringing started again but this time instead of echoing out of his computer it is through his phone. Incoming call from Wilbur. Tommy's hands reached up and rubbed his face. He had calmed down a little now, red eyes and trails of water were still present but with no new tears. Even so, he didn't have the energy to talk to Wilbur. 

He needed to shower. He needed to just stand and let the heat of the shower wash his worries away. Even though the morning sun still peaked through his window the boy was exhausted. As he walked to the bathroom he felt so heavy. Every action felt slow and required a lot of energy. _I guess this is what I get for having a massive fucking breakdown huh?_ As the water tickled and heated up, Tommy stepped into the shower. Droplets feel over his body spreading heat from head to toe. His brain only focused on the water and its pitter-patter against the tiles. He had been right, this was exactly what he needed. He could breathe now. 

He stayed there just standing. Not worrying about the outside world. It was nice. He got out after a while and went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He walked back to his bedroom and laid, his back on his bed. Tommy was mentally preparing himself to look at the messages. He turned on his phone. There were 5 missed calls from Wilbur. He should really get back to Wilbur but he can't. Not right now. There were no other missed calls from anyone but there were many messages. Tommy hadn’t read them yet but there were messages from Tubbo, Phil, Techno, Dream, the whole lot. He knew rationally that they would be messages of support but rationality doesn’t help when your fucking depressed and anxious. He was about to click on Dream’s message for the second time today when-

_Bzzt bzzt. Bzzt bzzt._

Tommy accepted the call frustrated, “Wilbur can you please stop calling me holy shit. I am not in the mood to talk to you. If you haven’t noticed.”

“Tommy, this isn’t Wilbur.” Fuck, it was Tubbo.

“Hey, Tubbo!” Tommy yells extending the hey. The switch had been flipped. This was his friend. He had to be happy.

Tubbo was quiet for a few seconds and in a quiet voice asked, “T-Tommy, are you okay?” Tubbo sounded concerned, scared even.

“What? Of course, I am Big T,” scoffing loudly to emphasis his point Tommy hoped Tubbo would just drop it.

“Tommy I’m really worried. All this stuff on Twitter. You not messaging anyone back. You not even messaging Wilbur back. You didn't even message me back. Tommy, I want to help you, we want to help you. Tommy we all love you.” Tubbo sounded as if he were about to cry.

“Tubbo, I- I’m sorry.”

“Tommy you have nothing to be sorry about. What’s been going on? Is there any way I can help?”

Tommy didn’t know how to react to that. He didn’t feel like putting all his issues on his friend. He didn't want to be a burden but hearing those words, hearing someone ask him what was happening, he could feel a little glimmer of light. 

“I don't really want to talk about it right now. Is it cool if we talk about something else so I can get my mind off it all?”

Tubbo didn’t object to the idea, “Yeah of course. Hey, there's something I want to show you!” A simple smile landed on Tommy’s face. Just hearing his best friend and his excitement made him feel better. “Okay so I wanted to wait to show you and it’s not perfect yet but i’ll try.” Tommy didn't know what to expect but when he heard Tubbo start playing the Able Sisters song from Animal Crossing his simple smile morphed into a wide grin. He sat there and just enjoyed the sounds coming through his phone. He wished life could be like this all the time.

Time passed quickly as the two sat on the call and before they knew it it had been an hour or two. The two were talking when Tommy’s stomach decided to growl causing the pair to laugh. Tommy headed to his kitchen to get something to eat. He hadn’t eaten since the whole disaster that was this morning. The laughter of the two filled the kitchen. Tommy acted as if making his sandwich was the Masterchef grand final. It was some of the most fun Tommy had had off-stream for a while. 

“Gordan I swear I put the butter on the fucking sandwich! Don’t fucking swear at me you little bitch!” 

“Tommy,” Tubbo struggled to breathe. His laughter was too much. “oh my g-”

_Knock Knock._

Tommy suddenly went quiet. His bones went stiff.

“Tommy?”

“There’s someone at my door. I’ll call you back,” Tommy said as he picked up his phone, finger over the end call button.

“Oh okay, have fun. Stay safe. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah, you too. Bye” 

_Knock Knock_

Tommy ended the call and made his way to the front door. He took a quick look in the mirror in the hallway. He looked much better than he did this morning. The red streaks reminders of tears had disappeared and his eyes were no longer bloodshot. He reached for the doorknob and pulled it open.

“Hey Tommy,” the person said.

Surprised with his mouth wide open, Tommy whispered, “Wilbur?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you again for reading!! sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, i try my best :)
> 
> [here's my tumblr !! come have a chat](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/daysinthespringsun)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wilbur and tommy talk about what’s been happening

“ _Wilbur”_

Wilbur’s mouth lifted into a smile. “Hello,” he whispered as his arms embraced the smaller boy. Tommy's body froze for a second but then relaxed into the hug. This was nice. “Tommy,” he whispered again as he slowly pulled out of the hug, “we should head inside.” Tommy just nodded and let Wilbur inside.

“Well this is my house,” he said awkwardly attempting to make conversation. “I was making a sandwich before you came so i’m just going to-” Tommy hand was raised as he gestured towards the kitchen. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Wilbur said. Tommy guided Wilbur into the kitchen. As Tommy walked Wilbur noticed how his arms were crossed in front of his chest as if a barrier to stop himself from getting hurt, he also noticed how Tommy’s face was creased and a frown present. It hurt Wilbur to see Tommy like this. His little brother seemed so scared and hurt. 

“Would you like anything to drink?” Tommy asked.

“Just water,” Wilbur responded. Tommy nodded. His arm reached for the cabinet making sure his arm was facing the floor. It was a habit. Yes, he was wearing long sleeves but evidently long sleeves weren't enough to hide his arms. He knew that Wilbur was here to talk about the cuts but that didn't mean he wanted to show Wilbur. It was terrifying. If Wilbur got mad at him for doing what he had, he didn't know what he would do. His breathing had started to pick up. He looked over to Wilbur who had almost finished with his glass. Wilbur’s eyes held concern. God dammit he was being too obvious. He needed to calm down. Breathe in, hold, breathe out and repeat. He was okay, he was fine, he just needed to breathe. 

It only took Tommy a minute to control his breathing again. Wilbur, thankfully hadn’t commented. After Tommy finished his sandwich and some awkward small talk, he led Wilbur up to his room gesturing at the other rooms of the house as he passed. Finally they reached Tommy’s door. As Tommy opened the door to let Wilbur in, Wilbur said, “so this is the iconic bedroom.” Tommy just softly laughed in response. Tommy sat on his bed. Wilbur followed close behind.

There was an awkward silence. No one wanted to speak first. So they sat. Wilbur was the first to break. “Tommy, why- why didn’t you pick up my calls?” Wilbur’s voice was quite like he was attempting to not scare away a frightened animal.

“I,” Tommy started but stopped taking a deep breath. “I was too scared to,” he finished. His eyes were looking down unable to look at Wilbur’s.

“Tommy I am always here for you. I understand that you're scared but please know that I really care about you. I want to know what's going on in that head of yours” Wilbur shifted his position on the bed and held his arms out. Tommy crawled over to him and sat down in between Wilburs legs with Wilbur’s arms surrounding him. Tears slowly trickled down Tommy’s checks. “If you want to talk about it, what's been happening?” 

Tommy could feel Wilbur’s voice vibrate against his back. He leaned his head back against Wilbur’s shoulder in an attempt to keep the tears in his eyes. It didn't work. Tears ran down his checks as he said, “it has just been all too much lately. School, streaming, family, friends and the frustrating thing is that nothing is actually wrong. School is good, my streaming is going better than anyone could have ever imagined, there's nothing wrong with my family, and friends are so fucking amazing. I don't understand why i feel like this.” Tommy stopped for a second. His breathing was coming out more shallow and his tears faster. “Sure the comments get to me sometimes but that happens to everyone. It is a part of being online. I have such a good life. I _shouldn’t_ feel like this. I’m Tommy _-fucking-_ Innit for god’s sake!” Tommy was sobbing now. He curled up in Wilbur’s arms craving touch. 

Wilbur rubbed soft circles on his shoulder. “Just because there isn't anything negative going on around you doesn't mean you or anyone should invalidate your feelings. Those feelings are still real Tommy. Trust me I know. I‘ve been here. Unfortunately for me, I had no one to talk to but you do Tommy. So many people care so much about you,” Wilbur's voice was almost a whisper. His hand reached up and stroked Tommy’s hair, “I care so much about you. You're my little brother Tommy. My little gremlin child. I love you so fucking much.” 

Wilbur could feel the young boy’s head lift against his chest. Tommy’s eyes met Wilbur’s, “big man, how do I do it?” Tommy asked.

Wilbur’s eyebrows scrunched, confused, “do what?”

“You know, get better, ask for help. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” Tommy’s hands shook this was the closest he had ever come to asking for help. He never thought he would. Well not till he left home. He had tried to ask before but he was too scared to wreck his parents image of him. Now, he didn’t care anymore. He wanted, needed, help and he wasn’t going to put his own health aside anymore. 

“Well we’ll have to talk to your parents. I am sure they will understand and we can find you someone to talk to, who can help you through what's happening in that head of yours. You can also talk to me, or Tubbo, or any one of our friend anytime you feel like shit. We’re all seriously more than happy to help. We all really care about you Tommy.”

Tommy smilied up to Wilbur. The sobs had stopped now only stray tears ran down his cheeks. “I would like that. I mean I would like it if you were there with me when I asked. I don’t think i’d be able to do it alone.” Tommy looked down from Wilbur’s eyes and he started to pick at the skin on the side of his finger. “Do they all actually care? Our friends.”

“Tommy of course they do. Did you not see all the messages?” Tommy shook his head. “Well I know for a fact that Dream messaged you, as well as a couple others. He was the one to tell me all of this had happened.”

“Yeah I saw his message. I didn’t read it, I couldn't.” Tommy’s eyes hadn’t felt his fingers. A slight blush rushed across his checks, he felt slightly embarrassed. 

“Yeah, it’s okay,” Wilbur said as he noticed Tommy’s growing discomfort. “What if he read some together.” 

Tommy thought about it. He really did want to know what they had said… “yeah um okay, here's my phone.” 

Wilbur took his phone and started to scroll down on discord. His finger stopped as he found the message he was looking for. “Dream said and I quote,” Tommy’s chest froze and his heart went mental. “‘Hey Tommy don’t know if you’re awake but you’ll probably have seen what’s going on when you read this. Tommy, please know that we all care for you and are always here if you need to talk.’ Awe that’s nice.” Wilbur gave Tommy a squeeze. 

Tommy sat there shocked, _well that wasn’t as bad as I thought._ Jesus, he really did overreact huh? Tommy sat there and listened to Wilbur as he rattled off other messages of support from his friends. They were so nice to him. He really couldn’t have asked for better friends. Tommy wasn’t going to lie, Wilbur's voice was soothing and before he knew it he had fallen asleep in Wilbur’s arms. Wilbur just smiled when he realised that he was now trapped under the teen. Wilbur was glad he could be here to help Tommy. Tommy was glad that Wilbur was here to help him. Even after today's events Tommy felt safe, _safe_. Tommy may not have the best mental health but he had the greatest friends and he was proud to say that he would get better. He was going to be happy again, no matter how long it took, he would be happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this is it. i know it’s quite occ but i tried.  
> THANK YOU FOR READING LOVE YOU ALL !!  
> IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU! ILY ALL <333
> 
> [here's my tumblr !! come have a chat](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/daysinthespringsun)


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